The Four Years

Ok, this has been the weekend on big changes. For those of you who know me, know that its been four years, Aug 2001 since I last did the big deed, if you don’t know it’s topping. Well as of last night the four years ended. Before I get into what happened last night let me explain the reason for the four years.

The last time I topped was Aug 2001, as I said and it was the time of an HIV test and they always freak me out, no matter how safe I always go “What if?” And the two weeks to get the results, I kept going, what about this, what about that, and I had played with someone who was HIV positive and didn’t tell me, so that was in the back on my mind. A friend back then that HIV is much harder to get then it was, and he knew what I did and how safe I was and that I had not much to worry about. Well the results came back negative and I realized it was time to make changes.

Up until that time, I was pretty much a slut. Yeah I admit it, something’s in your past you’re not proud of but you know it happened and it’s a part of what made me what I am today. I think you should never run from your past, you should embrace it and learn from it. I have not clue how many people I’ve been with or really cared. I used sex to fill a void in my life. Before I go any father, I want to say this, I’m not saying if you enjoy one nighters or sex, then you’re less of a person, hey as long as you and your partner you’re with know it’s just a one time deal and you’re safe go have fun. I just realized it was not for me. And I would be a hypocrite. I’m only a hypocrite on one thing and I’ll discuss that later. I had been pretty much a loner, and really the only really close intimate contact was tricking and one nighters. I had really low self-confidence and was really shy. I think as gay men we mistake sex for intimacy at times. Not always but I know I did back then. You think if you get naked and go at it then you’re intimate with someone, well you’re not. But it’s that close physical contact that we all crave and you get it for a few hours and then, at least for me it left me lonelier and emptier then before. To hear someone say you’re so hot, you’re incredible to name a few, is great. But it’s only in one aspect. It’s not the person you are but what you’re doing in bed. It was a self-destructing cycle. You have the contact then you regret it and you do it again. I think for me I needed to realize there was more to me then a certain part of my anatomy. Which, I’m guilty of using in wrong ways, and if you want to know more email me, but it’s similar to =Cuteyoboy’s blog entry “Details” (was trying to do a link, but blogger for Mac ain't takign my html. Just go to the side, click on Cuteyoboys link and read the entry). It’s the be all end all of the gay world, and trust me boys it ain’t all what it’s cracked up to be. I plan a whole entry on that, but going to do a little research first, oh get your mind out of the gutter!

So, after the test I just realized how self destructing the cycle was, and how it was time to make changes and get out from under the depression I was in. So I said no more, and that day I did it. I realized something, that most of the times when I topped, it was a chore, for a lack of better word. It really didn’t do anything for me; I just did it because it was what was expected. I looked back on the times when it felt the best, I realized it was when I was with my Ex, a guy I went on a date on, or a FB/Friend with benefit that I hung out with and also had fun with. I realized what these all had in common. These were all people that I had a connection with and liked. So I told myself you can do anything but topping, until I date. Well, as faithful readers know, LOL I’ll be waiting till we put a man on Mars before that will happen. So, I really haven’t done much over the last few year, I have really slowed down and you know I kind of like it. There is less stress and I’m a lot happier knowing I’m not getting used for something or using someone else. I also came up with the “If I don’t like you I won’ sleep with you” concept. Which has made a big difference for me. It makes the activities a lot more fun and I have virtually cut out all one nighters. I usually get with the guy several times. But one year passed, then two and I was like OMG I’m actually doing this, then three, and finally four. All my friends can’t believe that it has lasted this long.

I will say that in the last few months I have really had the urge to top. The last time I had it so strong, I took pictures of a guy I play with on occasion. And as things progressed, I really wanted to top him, and would have. But he was a top too so nothing happened. So I have been like a buck in a rut, wanting to really go at it. But and this maybe something some friends may not know but I have been looking to have a friend with benefit. Someone to hang out with go to movies and then have fun. Now I didn’t’ want one where every time we get together we have to get naked. But occasionally would be great. So I had been on the hunt and I ran across one guy who I though was really sexy. We had chatted off and on for a while. And we finally decided to meet. I found out that he has had a partner of 16 years and they play separate, and for purposes of the blog, I’ll call him blue eyes, because he has great blue eyes and HMMM what a kisser. Ok now here is where the hypocrite comes in on me. I won’t share my man but I’ll share someone else’s. I know, BAD TIM, but hey if they are open and we hit it off why not? I don’t want an open relationship, maybe one day I will because I never say never. I’ve eaten my words too many times. But I went over to Blue Eyes house, stopped and got some beer and we hung out and talked for a while. It was pretty cool we have a lot in common and it was really great. We were in the kitchen talking and we kissed, and WOW can he kiss. We went to the bedroom and just started to make out and things progressed, you know how they do. Well, here’s why he got it when so many others haven’t. He never pressured me into doing it. He said it would feel nice but he didn’t get pushy or demanding. And I was thinking, you know it’s been 4 years and is this someone who, when I look back I will mind ending it? As I thought, I said no, because I felt a real connection and we have made plans to do things and he’s a nice guy. The only thing I wish we could have done is spending the night together but I’m very happy with the experience. It was AWESOME and Blue Eyes, and me laughed about our problems with my ankle, his knee and what hell it is getting old. Today I have been achy. I thought I was coming down with something but I realized in the act of, for a lack of better term, making love, my muscles are sore LOL, it’s so funny, when I was younger I was the energizer bunny and could go four hours and not be sore. LOL it’s hell getting older. But I’m really glad I went over and I have absolutely no regrets today and hopefully will get with him often.

When I left I called J2 last night right after I got out, and he was with his man and really surprised he answered his phone. He thought I was kidding first, but I was not, and he was happy for me. I told him, “ You know if I never see him again I had fun and really enjoyed it.” But I know I’ll see him again and hopefully often. I also called my SC Man, who has a friend with the same name as Blue Eyes, and he thought I had slept with his friend (The friend lives here in Atlanta area) and his partner was out of town. SC Man and his partner thought, “OMG what is he doing his partner is out of town!” LOL I got a big laugh when they thought it was someone else. But I set them straight and it’s good. I hopefully will go over there and meet them soon.

This whole experience has taught me that I can hold on to what I believe, and not fall back into old destructive behaviors. I have been worried it’s like Pandora box and that if I top someone I’ll go right back to tricking and such, I know, kinda stupid sounding. But you always go back to what you know. And this taught me that I’m not going to do what I did and that sex isn’t a bad thing. I was getting to the point where topping was bad and it’s not, as long as it’s done for the right reason. I realized today that I have really grown up and have started to make a life for me that I am proud of. I have much needed to make these changes and I think things will be good. Just curious if anyone else out there went through this? I just can’t believe that I posted so much and so personal. Thanks for reading!