Four More Years!

NOT, I think the whole 4 years, as I’ll call it, was good for me. But would I want to do another 4 years, HELL NO! You know I have made a lot of changes and have really focused on myself and getting my life in order. I will be the first to admit that I have really been lost at sea and really had not clue what to do with my life. I’ve always been my worst enemy. But this past year, things have turned the corner. You know I realized who stupid I was being and how I took things way to hard. The absence of sex, I think made me get out and sort out my problems. I used sex as an escape from my problems, and I was in the school of thought that if I ignore the problem it will go away. Which it never solves the problem it just gets worse.

The whole experience last week was kind of an awakening. I realized, A, how much fun it is and sex should be fun. And B. I have control over myself and what happens. To part A, you know I was a slut, I admit it and used to sleep around a lot. And at times it was a chore at times. To me doing the topping or the big deed to me seemed like a chore that I was supposed to do. I realized in the last few years that any time I have topped and really enjoyed it was when I knew the guy, dated, or was boy friends with the guy. The times I really didn’t get into it was, a trick or one nightstand. Last Friday was just awesome, and I really like blue eyes, and he wasn’t pushy about it. So I said to myself why not let’s do it. Secondly, I have control on what happens. For the longest time, I used to do what was expected of me or what I thought would make people happy. God, and that’s a never ending cycle, I mean you’re always trying to make people happy and you go out of your way, and the only one not happy is me. I had to realize to say no. Which is hard to do but once you do it, it starts to come natural. The first time I said NO, I was scared to death the person would say “To hell with you” but they didn’t, they were like OK, that’s cool. I was like WOW this works.

I think what’s really changed this year is I have developed some self confidence and self esteem. I think this is due largely to this blog and J2. It’s the whole, you have to be a friend to get a friend. This is never so true. I have been told over and over again that I was negative, and down and depressing. I know this was true too. I kept everything to myself and knew I could count on me, and that was the only person I could. Well I guess I finally reached the breaking point and I got the blog and J2 and a few other friends and I’m just now tell it all. I have been told that, especially, when it comes to dating, that I tell too much too soon, but you know I’d rather tell it now then have it come back later and haunt me.

Just a quick update on the 4 years, I’m going to try to write something fun later this week!