Sorry I had some of Whitney’s Crack Last night

Ok I had some good crack last night. That blog entry is way out there. But I’m giving it a second attempt, I thought about this in the car on the way home so here goes.

First off, Thomas and me, well I realized something in the last few days. First off, as some of you know that I always prepare for the worst, and it takes me a while to realize that that isn’t happening. That’s what I did with Thomas when we broke up, that he and I wouldn’t be friends, I would loose his friends and I’m back on my own. Which is furthest from the truth, yeah it’s a very irrational thing to do but it’s part of my process for dealing with things. Then I realize that things aren’t that bad.. I have wondered what was going on with me the last few weeks. I realize one thing; Thomas was the first person I have ever been me with. I was 100% honest and open, unlike anyone else I have met. Which for me to open up to and be me, and not the show I want people to see is rare. I can count on one hand how many folks I’ve done that for. I guess the problem with the break up is I’m beating myself up because, here I had this great guy who I could really talk to and basically is a best friend, and I couldn’t make it work. It has left me with doubts that if I can’t make this work, what can I make-work? Granted there are more issues then that here but when you have a good thing, you should work hard to keep it and I didn’t at the end. Even though I know it’s the right decision.

I have a feeling and I hope Thomas is willing to be one of my best friends. I really can talk and not worry about being judged and he will give me his honest opinion about things. Well this had to do with the over reacting and for a while I thought I was going to loose him, and it was hard for me to deal with. But I realized something Monday night with the Michael’s that I am a friend with them, we hung out without Thomas and I was not the Boyfriend. Which was a turning point.

All my life I have been the one person to make everyone happy and have gone out of my way to do it and I finally realized this sucks I’m the unhappiest person of all. I have gained more self-confidence and am making my life better, I had drinks with Thomas tonight and it was really good, It made me see a lot and I really liked it.

About my 4-year break. Well that taught me how to connect with people emotionally rather then physically, to bring the intimacy and sex back together. I really am glad I did it, granted part of it was my fear of HIV, but it really caused me to focus on other things and I’m not like I was before with sex, Love them and leave them. I really want a connection before I have sex now. I really would love some good friends with benefits and I’m working on that now. I want to go on dates and relax and get to know people.

I hope this clears up some things and makes more sense.